Zamkati
- Kukhala ndi zovuta, mantha komanso manyazi
- Zomwe ndimakumana nazo
- Kukhala ndi malingaliro olakwika okhudza iweyo ndi dziko lapansi
- Chabwino, ndiye zonsezi zikukhudzana bwanji ndi inu?
- Tonsefe timafunikira kena kake kuchokera kwa anzathu
- Malingaliro Okhudza Maganizo Awiri Amankhwala
- Kunena mosabisa: kuphatikana ndi ena ndichofunikira kwambiri kuti mupulumuke.
- Pansipa pali chitsanzo choyika zonsezi.
- The "Kankhani kukokera mkombero"
- Chotengera
Kukhala wekha kumayamwa. Kudzuka pafupi ndi munthu yemwe mudakondana naye, koma kwa omwe simumalumikizana naye kwambiri, ndikumva "mtunda wopitilira," ndikoyipa. Kodi mumayang'ana mnzanu ndikudzifunsa kuti, "Mukundiona?" Kapena, nanga bwanji: "Ngati mumandidziwadi ... ine weniweni, simukufuna kukhala pachibwenzi ndi ine"? Ngati ndi choncho, ndiye kuti simuli nokha.
Ndine Mlembi Wachipatala Wolembetsa payekha ku Vancouver, British Columbia. Ndimagwira ntchito ndi anthu komanso mabanja ochokera ku Trauma-Informed, Emotionally-Focused, and Existential view, ndikugwiritsa ntchito modabwitsa machiritso otchedwa, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Mwachidule, ndimathandiza makasitomala kupeza machiritso omwe angafune powathandiza koyamba kuchiritsa komwe amafunikira.
Kukhala ndi zovuta, mantha komanso manyazi
Koma sindikufuna kulankhula za momwe ndilili katswiri pakulumikizana kwa ubale, kapena zomwe ndaphunzira m'maphunziro anga apadera osiyanasiyana. Ndikulemba nkhaniyi chifukwa, monga inu, ndine munthu. Monga munthu, ndimakhala ndi zofooka, mantha, ndipo nthawi zambiri ndimachita manyazi chifukwa cha iwo.
Ndimamva kuwawa kwambiri ndikamva kuti ndili ndekha ” Ndimadana ndi malingaliro onyansa, kapena onyansa; ndipo sindingathe kuyimilira ngati "mkaidi" Ndikutsimikiza kuti muli ndi "zomwe sindimakonda" monga ine. Chonde ndipatseni mphindi zochepa kuti ndikufikitseni mbali ina yaulendo wanga (mpaka pano), kuti muthandize kuwunikira chifukwa chomwe tili "bwato lachikondi" lomwelo. Pambuyo pake, ndikuthandizani kuwunikira chifukwa chomwe inu ndi anzanu mumakhala mukuchita zokwanira kuthana ndi kusungulumwa, koma osakwanira kuti mukhale ogwirizana kwenikweni.
Zomwe ndimakumana nazo
Ndili mwana, kuyambira ndili mwana, ndinkayimirira pamaso pagalasi langa, wamaliseche, ndikudziuza ndekha kuti: “Ndine woipa. Ndine wonenepa. Ndikunyansidwa. Palibe amene angakonde izi. ” Zowawa zomwe ndimamva munthawiyo zinali zosapiririka. Sikuti ndinkangokwiyira thupi langa lokha, ndinali wokwiya ndikuti ndili ndi moyo ndipo ndinali ndi thupi ili. Maganizo anali okhudza kukhalako kwanga. Chifukwa chiyani sindinali "mnyamata wokongola" kapena "masewera othamanga ndi thupi lalikulu"? Ndinkayang'ana thupi langa, ndikulira, ndipo ndinkadzimenya ... ndiko kulondola. Ndikanadzimenya ndekha ... mobwerezabwereza ... mpaka ululu womwe ndimamva mthupi langa unali wokwanira kuti undisokoneze ku zopweteka zomwe ndimakhala nazo. Ndinapanga thupi langa kukhala mbuzi yopezera mwayi wamwayi ndi atsikana kusukulu, kusungulumwa kwanga, komanso kudziona kuti ndine wotsika.
Kukhala ndi malingaliro olakwika okhudza iweyo ndi dziko lapansi
Panthaŵiyo sindinadziwe, koma ndinali ndikupanga zoopsa kwambiri ndikupanga zikhulupiriro zoyipa za ine ndekha ndi dziko lapansi. Zikhulupiriro zoipa izi zidakhudza momwe ndimawonera dziko lapansi, komanso ubale wanga nalo - kapena anthu ena.
Ndinkakhulupirira kuti: "Ndinali woipa, wonenepa, wonyansa, komanso kuti palibe amene angandikonde."
Kwenikweni, ndinadziuza ndekha kuti ndine wopanda pake. Chifukwa cha izi, ndidapitiliza kuyesa kuthana ndi chikhulupiliro ichi pakulipirira kwambiri ndikusaka zinthu zolakwika. Ndidachita zolimbitsa thupi kwambiri ndikukhala ndi mawonekedwe abwino, ndinkakondana ndi azimayi ambiri ku koleji yonse, ndipo ndimakhulupirira kuti: "Ngati ndingamupatse mnzanga kuti andilandire, ndiye kuti izi zikutanthauza kuti ndine wovomerezeka." Panali vuto ndi chikhulupiliro ichi chifukwa ndimapita kwa mnzanga kupita kwa mnzanga ... kuti ndiyesere kulandira komwe ndikulakalaka. Sindinazipeze. Mpaka pomwe pomwe ndidayamba kukhala ndiudindo wokhudzidwa ndi moyo wanga mdziko lino — momwe ndimadzionera.
Chabwino, ndiye zonsezi zikukhudzana bwanji ndi inu?
Ndikukuuzani. Sindinakumanenso ndi kasitomala (kapena aliyense pankhaniyi) yemwe adakhala ndi "ubwana wangwiro." Zachidziwikire, sikuti aliyense wakhalapo ndi njira yodziwikiratu kuti analeredwa "mwankhanza". Koma aliyense wakumanapo ndi vuto linalake (lalikulu kapena laling'ono) lomwe limasiya kukhala ndi malingaliro okhalitsa pa psyche yawo. Mukapeza abwenzi awiri (kapena kupitilira apo) omwe ali ndi zokumana nazo ndi zoopsa, mumakhala ndi zovuta - zomwe zimatha (ndipo nthawi zambiri zimapanga) kutulutsa chisokonezo chaubwenzi. Mnzake wina amayambitsidwa ndi mnzake, kuzindikira chizindikiro kuti chitetezo chawo padziko lapansi (koma ubale weniweni) uli pachiwopsezo. Momwe zimafotokozedwera kwa mnzake sizabwino kwambiri (pokhapokha ngati banjali lakhala likuchita zambiri popereka upangiri komanso chitukuko chawokha), ndipo zimatha kuyambitsa mnzake. Zotsatira zake zimakhala zozungulira zomwe zimayambitsa zilonda za wina ndi mnzake komanso "katundu wamkati." Kodi izi zimachitika kangati? NTHAWI ZONSE.
Mtengo wosadziwa mayendedwe omwe inu ndi mnzanu mumachita, komanso momwe mungapewere izi, ndiwokwera kwambiri: kuchepa kwaubwenzi, kudodometsa kukula kwaumwini, komanso kusungulumwa kwakukulu (mtundu womwe mumamva kuti wokondedwa wanu ali kutali nanu , monga momwe mumapsompsona usiku wabwino musanagone).
Tonsefe timafunikira kena kake kuchokera kwa anzathu
Vuto ambiri a ife timachita mantha kulowa mkati, kuzinthu zowopsa zomwe zimatipangitsa kuti tisakhale omasuka ... kenako tizigawana ndi wina (osatinso munthu yemwe ali pafupi nafe). Ambiri aife timavutika kukhulupirira kuti bwenzi lathu ndi "lotetezeka mokwanira" kuti likhale losatetezeka - kulimbana komwe kumalimbikitsidwa chifukwa chosamasulira bwino zosowa zathu. Anthu ambiri amadziwa mwachidwi zomwe ubale wawo (cholumikizira) umafunikira, koma sanapeze zida zolumikizirana kuti athe kufotokoza momveka bwino ndi wokondedwa wawo, komanso, zimawavuta kufunsa zomwe akufuna kuchokera kwa wokondedwa wawo.Izi zonse zimafunikira kuti "malo opatulika" akhazikitsidwe mkati mwaubwenzi kuti alimbikitse chitetezo ndi chiopsezo.
Tsoka ilo, chomwe chimachitika ndi maanja ambiri ndikuti chitetezo chimapangidwa popanda chiopsezo - ichi ndi "munda wanu wabwino" womwe umapezeka mu maubale ambiri-malo omwe amakhala omasuka osachoka, koma osakhala otetezeka mokwanira amafikidwapo. Chifukwa chake zotsatira zake ndikumverera kwa "kukhala nokha" ngakhale muli "limodzi."
Malingaliro Okhudza Maganizo Awiri Amankhwala
Kuti ndifotokoze zambiri, ndiyenera kukufotokozerani mwachidule za Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy Theory, kapena EFTCT (yochokera mu Attachment Theory ya John Bowlby). EFTCT idapangidwa ndi Dr. Sue Johnson, ndipo ndi lingaliro lomwe lingathandize pofotokozera chifukwa chomwe mumayankhira ngati mukuwona kuti ubale wanu ndi "wopsedwa".
Monga anthu, tinapulumuka ndikusintha chifukwa cha ubongo wathu. Zachidziwikire, sitinakhalepo ndi mano kapena zikhadabo zakuthwa. Sitingathe kuthamanga mwachangu chonchi, sitinakhalepo ndi khungu kapena ubweya wobisala, ndipo sitingathe kudziteteza kwa adani - pokhapokha titapanga mafuko, ndikugwiritsa ntchito ubongo wathu kupulumuka. Tili pano, zikuwonekeratu kuti njira yamakolo athu idagwira. Kusintha kwathu kudalira kulumikizana komwe kumapangidwa pakati pa khanda ndi mayi (ndi owasamalira ena). Ngati kulumikizana kulibe, sitikadakhalako. Kuphatikiza apo, kuthekera kwathu kuti tikhale ndi moyo kumadalira osati kokha pamgwirizano woyamba ndi omwe amawasamalira, koma pakulumikizana kopitilira ndi fuko lathu-kutengedwa ukapolo kapena kukhala wekha mdziko lapansi zitha kutanthauza kufa kumene.
Kunena mosabisa: kuphatikana ndi ena ndichofunikira kwambiri kuti mupulumuke.
Mofulumira lero. Ndiye kodi zonsezi zikutanthauza chiyani? Zimatanthawuza kuti monga anthu tili ndi chidwi chofunitsitsa chitetezo chopezeka mgwirizanowu ndi ziwonetsero zathu (makolo, okwatirana, abale, abwenzi, ndi ena). Ndipo popeza kulumikizana ndi mnzanu kapena mnzanu ndikofunikira, chilichonse chomwe chimawoneka kuti chikuwopseza ubalewu nthawi zambiri chimamasuliridwa ndi munthuyo ngati chopweteka kwambiri (mwinanso chowopsa). Mwanjira ina: mnzake akawona kuti ubale wawo wawopsezedwa, amayankha mofanana ndi kupulumuka, ndi njira zomwe apeza mpaka pano-pofuna kudziteteza (ndi mgwirizano).
Pansipa pali chitsanzo choyika zonsezi.
Kumanani: John ndi Brenda (zopeka).
John amakonda kudzipatula ndikukhala chete pomwe Brenda akukweza mawu komanso kuchita mantha. Chifukwa cha momwe Brenda adaleredwera komanso zokumana nazo m'mbuyomu, amayamikira kumva kulumikizana komanso kukhala pafupi ndi mnzake (maufulu achikazi kwenikweni). Kuti Brenda azimva kuti ndi "otetezeka mdziko lapansi" akuyenera kudziwa kuti John ali pachibwenzi naye ndipo amapezeka kwathunthu. Akakhumudwa, amafuna kuti John abwere pafupi kuti amugwire. Brenda ataona John akunyamuka ndikunyamuka, amakhala wamantha, wamantha, ndikumadzimva kuti ali yekha (Brenda azindikira kuti chitetezo muubwenzi wake ndi John "chikuwopsezedwa").
Komabe, Brenda akakhala wamantha komanso wamantha, amakalipa kwambiri ndipo amakonda kuyankha John atakhala chete ndi mawu osankhika (monga "Ndinu ndani? Opusa? Simungachite chilichonse molondola?"). Kwa Brenda, yankho lililonse kuchokera kwa John ndilabwino kuposa osayankhidwa! Koma kwa John (komanso chifukwa cha zokumana nazo zosiyanasiyana pamoyo wake), ndemanga zofuula komanso zopatsa chidwi za Brenda zimadzetsa nkhawa. Amawopa kwambiri kukhala pachiwopsezo ndi Brenda chifukwa amatanthauzira mayankho ake okweza ndi mawu okweza ngati osatetezedwa-umboni wowonekeratu (kwa iye) kuti "sikokwanira." Kuphatikiza apo, kungoti iye amadzimva "wosatetezeka" komanso "wopusa" kumamupangitsa John kukayikira "umuna" wake. Tsoka ilo, pomwe zomwe amafunikira kuchokera kwa mkazi wake ndikumva kuti akumusamalira ndikumupatsa mphamvu, waphunzira kuteteza kudzimva kuti ndi wopanda pake posiya ndikudziwongolera yekha.
Awiriwa sanamvetse kuti kusatetezeka kwa Brenda ndi ubale wawo kudadzetsa nkhawa kwa John ndi iye. Kusuntha kwake, kunapangitsa Brenda kukankhira mwamphamvu kuti amuyankhe. Ndipo mudadziyerekeza: momwe amamukankhira ndikumulondola, amakhala chete, ndipo akamachoka, amalimbikira ndikumulondola ... ndipo kuzungulira kumangopitilira ... pa ...
The "Kankhani kukokera mkombero"
Tsopano, banja ili ndi lopeka chabe, koma "kukoka-kukoka mkombero" ndiye njira yodziwika bwino kwambiri yomwe ndidawonapo. Pali maubwenzi ena kunja uko, monga "kuchoka," ndi "kutsatira," ndi "flip-flop" yovuta kwambiri (mawu omwe ndakhazikitsa mwachikondi mayendedwe omwe amawoneka ngati opanda pake, abwenzi "flip-flop" kumayendedwe otsutsana).
Mutha kufunsa funso lofunika: Chifukwa chiyani maanja amakhala limodzi ngati akuyambitsana motere?
Limenelo ndi funso lovomerezeka, ndipo lomwe limayankhidwa potchula chinthu chonsecho cha "kupulumuka" komwe ndidabweretsa kale. Mgwirizano wophatikizana ndi wofunikira kwambiri kuti mnzake aliyense apirire mikangano yomwe imachitika (ndipo nthawi zina pafupipafupi) posinthana ndi chitetezo chokhala muubwenzi ndi mnzake, komanso osadzimva kukhala nokha padziko lapansi.
Chotengera
Mikangano yambiri yamaubwenzi imachitika chifukwa cha mnzake (Partner A) kuyambitsa njira yothanirana ndi mnzake (Partner B). Izi zimabweretsa yankho kuchokera kwa winayo (Partner B), zomwe zimapangitsa kuyankha kwina kuchokera kwa mnzake (Partner A). Umu ndi momwe "kuzungulira" kumagwirira ntchito.
Nthawi zonse ndimawauza makasitomala anga kuti 99% ya nthawi yomwe kulibe "munthu woyipa", amene amachititsa kuti pakhale kusamvana ndi "kuzungulira." Pezani "kuzungulira" ndipo mupeze momwe mungalumikizire ndi mnzanuyo ndikuyenda m'madzi achinyengo. Pangani "malo opatulika" ndipo mumayamba kupanga malo obisalapo achitetezo ndi chiopsezo-zomwe zimafunikira kuti mukhale pachibwenzi chenicheni.
Kukhala wekha kumayamwa. Koma kukhala wekha pachibwenzi ndi koipitsitsa. Zikomo pogawana malo anu ndi ine. Ndikulakalaka kukudziwitsani kwambiri, kukondana, ndi chikondi mu ubale wanu ndi inu nokha ndi mnzanu.
Chonde mugawane nkhaniyi ngati ikukukhudzani, ndipo mukhale omasuka kusiya ndemanga ndi kundiuza malingaliro anu! Ndikufuna kulumikizana ngati mungafune kuthandizidwa kuti mudziwe momwe mungakhalire "maubwenzi," kapena kuti mumve zambiri zamomwe zondithandizira ndi ntchito zanga zingakuthandizireni, chonde nditumizireni imelo.